Today, I win again!

TL: Cannongerbil

Editor: Striker

[So this is the short story that has Konosuba fans in Japan all a flutter. I’m releasing this early because I know a lot of people have been dying to know what exactly it contains, and also as compensation for the fact that Volume 17 probably won’t be ready for another month or two. I hope this story can tide everyone over until then.

Also, this short story technically takes place after Volume 17. It doesn’t spoil anything and it can be enjoyed without knowledge of its events, but just keep that in mind if you are a stickler for this sort of stuff.

Well, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this little snippet.]

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… I called out to Kazuma who was laying on the sofa, casually patting Chomusuke laying on his lap.

“Kazuma, if you are free, can you go out with me for a bit?”

Upon hearing that, Kazuma looked up at me and said,

“If you want to do your daily routine, wait ‘till after we have lunch. If you need someone to be a witness for some duel you’re about to pick with someone, get Aqua who can use recovery magic. If you want me to follow you because something you want just came out, then go get Darkness.”

“That’s not it at all! Just what kind of person do you think I am!?”

Those seem vaguely familiar somehow, but if I admit it, I lose.

And the strongest Crimson Demon can’t possibly be defeated.

“Do you want to go on a date… You don’t need to jump up like that! You gave Chomusuke quite a shock!”

 

ーAs we wandered around the town of Axel, Kazuma tilted his head and said,

“… Say, Megumin, you invited me on a date, right?”

“That’s right. Doesn’t it feel very much like a date when we walk together like this?”

Kazuma had a frown on his face for a while now, though I have no idea what he’s so unhappy about.

“Yeah, but, those people who have been sneaking around behind us all this time are your classmates, right? You only invited me out to show off in front of them, right?”

Indeed, just as Kazuma said, three of my classmates have been following me.

One of them is my rival, Yunyun.

The other two must be Funikura and Dondonka, or something like that.

I have no idea why they are following us. Maybe they just have too much free time on their hands.

“Well, it’s true that I want to assert my dominance over those sore losers who are at the age where they should be seeking a boyfriend, but it’s also true that I do genuinely want to go on a date with you, Kazuma.”

When I told Kazuma my honest feelings, he blushed red and started acting suspiciously.

“O-oh… I see… Well, I’m fine with that…”

Seeing Kazuma’s awkward behaviour, the people behind me suddenly erupted in muffled shrieks and whispers.

I’m sure those three are reaching the peak of their excitement.

Then, Kazuma opened his mouth like he just remembered something.

“You know, the dates I know consist of much more flirting. Like walking around with our hands intertwined, or kissing whenever our eyes meet.”

“I can understand holding hands, but if we start kissing in the middle of the street, the other adventurers will tease us, you know? …And, doing such things in front of my classmates is embarrassing…”

I casually held his arm as I said that, and once again muffled screams came from behind me.

I really wish they’d stop stalking me and go somewhere else to play.

Kazuma seems to have heard them too, and gave me a confident smile.

“Heh… Then, today, let’s show your classmates what you look like after ascending the stairway of adulthood. Leave it to me, I know a thing or two about such things.”

“Kazuma, whenever you get full of yourself like this, you always mess up, so don’t do anything unnecessary.”

He’ll definitely get full of himself, so I had to hammer home what not to do.

Those three will probably go home in tears after seeing us flirt with each other.

So, once they leaveー

“… Wait, did you just say ‘Doing such things in front of my classmates’? That means…”

“Yes, that’s exactly what you think it means! Come on, let’s get on with our date already!”

He’s as blunt and lacking in tact as ever, but I guess that’s part of him that I fell in love with.

Looking down in order to hide my blushing face, I pulled on Kazuma’s hand and tried to leaveー

“… It’s only been a short time since I last saw you, but you’ve really changed since then…”

Only for my path to be blocked by a blushing Funikura.

“What are you trying to do, Funikura? Are you not satisfied with just stalking, so now you want to get in the way too!?”

“I’m Funifura! Remember my name already! And I’m not stalking you for the sake of it… I came here to deliver a letter, and I can’t stand to watch you be lovey-dovey with him any more…”

Funifura pushed a letter into my hands while averting her blushing face.

“This is a letter from my parents and Komekko… S-Sorry, I thought you were just here to spy on me, so I tried my best to put on a show…”

“Y-Yunyun said that the two of you really are an item now, but I still don’t believe it! There’s no way you who had shown absolutely no interest in love could’ve beaten me…”

I’m no longer a child who places such importance on winning and losing.

Honestly, I really couldn’t care less about Funifura and the others anymore, so I really wish they’d hurry up and go…

“Hey, enough about that already. Let’s be alone together so we can make out!”

“Why do you have to open your mouth at a time like this!? Okay, fine, I get it. Let’s go back home!”

At Kazuma’s words, I hastily snatched the letter from Funifura’s hands to hide my impatience.

It’s fine, it’s not embarrassing at all.

If anything, I want them to spread this news to the other people back at the village.

This would put an end to my rivalry with Yunyun and strike a final blow to Funifura, who had been making fun of me for so long…!

 

Funifura, who had constantly poked fun at me and Yunyun about matters of romance back when we were classmates, seemed to finally admit defeat and broke into tearsー

“Uwaaaaah! I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s just as Yunyun said, the two of you really are an item now! You two are definitely already busy making babies!”

“W-W-W-We haven’t gone that far yet! Wait! Please don’t spread false rumours about me!”

Funifura took off running after leaving that ridiculous line, and I chased after herー

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Volume 17 Epilogue

Main Directory

Untitled Megumin short story

TL: Cannongerbil

Editor: Striker

[Originally linked by Natsume from his blog on May 2nd, 2014, this story (and several more!) was never officially published. It might be that he dropped them, or that they didn’t make the cut (or maybe he just wanted to have fun?). In any case, this takes place around volume 4, so the status quo and character relationships are a little different from the later volumes.

Thanks to Striker for digging these up.]

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On a certain afternoon.

“I really want to see a real mage at least once.”

After enjoying a light meal at the guild, I muttered that over a cup of tea.

As I did so, Megumin, seated opposite me, dropped her spoon along with her jaw.

“… W-What did you just say?”

“Hmm? No, I just thought I wanted to see a real mage at least once. There are a lot of people in this town who happen to be spellcasters, but they don’t quite match the image of a mage that I have.”

ーAt those words, the atmosphere in the guild changed.

“… Kazuma, are you picking a fight with the mage right in front of you? As a Crimson Demon, famed for producing many exceptional mages, I can’t let that slide… Why don’t you describe the image of a mage that you have in your mind? If there is even one person in town who fits that image, I’m going to have you apologize.”

“No, I’m not trying to pick a fight or anything. It’s just that my idea of a mage is…”

Megumin slammed on the table in protest, and some of the other adventurers in the guild nodded in agreement.

“… It’d be someone who has a high amount of pride in the value of magic and refuses to use it for trivial matters… Like using Tinder to warm up the snacks he was served while drinking, or casting Blizzard in the stables on warm nights only to get scolded in the morning for drenching the place…”

The man a few tables over casually roasting his squid over a plate, along with several other adventurers, suddenly stiffened up.

“And there’s the guy who scalded himself after throwing a fireball into the public baths after complaining that the water is too cold, and the guy who uses his instant kill spell that he’s so proud of for construction work…”

“Please stop! I’ll admit that we aren’t that great, so please don’t say anything more!”

With Megumin’s concession, and seeing some people in the guild were shifting uncomfortably in their seats, I agreed to stop elaborating there and went back to the original topic.

“Well, we’ve gotten a little off track, but I really want to see a proper mage. I mean, the mages in this town are, you know, depending on their mood, they’d blast away with offensive spells and pick a fight with muscle-bound vanguards. Mages are supposed to be more mild-mannered, calm… And wise, you know?”

“I-I’m plenty mild-mannered… Sorry, sorry! I’m sorry for blasting away with Explosion without thinking! Please stop looking at me like that!”

“… Anyway, I want to see a real mage. For instance… Does anyone here have a grimoire or something? Like someone whose actual day job is deciphering magical texts?”

At my words, the various mages who were listening closely to me suddenly averted their gaze.

“Is there not a single one!? Like researching lost magics or refining magic circle constructions or doing experiments with alchemy!? Mages are supposed to be the same as scholars, aren’t they!?… Hey, you’re burning the squid!

 

ーIn a dimly lit room, a hooded figure chanted in a low and heavy voice like she was reciting a forbidden spell.

“Oh, great power of the earth, waters that trace from the source of life… Red… Red… The fresh, red fruit of the devil…! Mix together with the flesh of the devil, and be transformed by the heat of my fires to what you should be!”

The robed figure raised both hands as the pot in front of her started giving out a wonderful scent.

“Thee who has been transformed into thy most appetizing form! Become my blood, my flesh, and the source of my power!”

ーMegumin said with a smile, removing her hood and ladling a scoop of frog meat stew onto a plate.

“… Say, this is just stew, right? Do you really need to do such a dubious ceremony to create it?”

“Of course. That is the power of words. By doing so, the bruised ingredients that we were able to get cheaply will be transformed into high quality food.”

“… Oh, so magic can do that too. When you said you were going to show me your wizardly side and started cooking, I had half a mind to go home… So this really was a magic ritual.”

“No, it’s just a lie. This is just a normal stew, I just said those lines during cooking for the atmosphere… Ow-ow-ow, I’m sorry, please stop!”

As I pulled on Megumin’s cheeks, I heard the footsteps of several people rushing about in the room outside.

Megumin said that she’ll show me a proper magic ritual and led me to the kitchen after borrowing it from the guild, but…

“Hey, hurry up and prepare while the Crimson Demon girl buys us time! We’re going to show that guy real magic…!”

“How do you draw a magic circle again!? Does anyone know the magic circle for summoning familiars!?”

“Crystal balls are pretty mage-like, right? Where do they sell them again?”

As the mages made a fuss out in the guild, I took a sip from Megumin’s stew.

“Sorry, I didn’t expect my careless remark to result in such an incident… This is pretty good.”

“Well, spellcasters in general tend to be a prideful bunch, so be careful in the future… Would you like seconds?”

As Megumin got me another ladle full of stew, the doors to the kitchen flew open.

“We’re done with the preparations! Now, let’s show you what a true mage is like!”

 

ーReally, how did it come to this?

“Heheh, now, listen to me. When you talk about mages, what comes to mind is, of courseー!”

“If you say magical girl at your age, I’m gonna smack you.”

“Gurk!?… Sniffle…”

One of the ladies, dressed in a frilly, gothic lolita-looking outfit, backed away in tears.

“… Really? I thought a mage would definitely be some old geezer, so I went out and bought a mustache…”

“I-I’ve been catching pigeons at the park so that I could make them appear from my handkerchief…!”

That isn’t magic, it’s just a trick.

ーJust as the spellcasters started raising a fuss.

“Say, what exactly is this ‘real mage’ you’re talking about? Can you tell us what kind of magic you have in mind?”

A lady dressed in a bunny girl outfit standing next to the guy with pigeons asked.

…Did I accidentally ask the spellcasters in this down to do something impossible?

Like creating a house out of gingerbread?

No, no that’s just from a fairy tale. If I raise the bar even higher than it is now, I might end up making all the candy store owners and children in this town cry.

Mage, mage…

The other thing that mages can do is…

“… Oh, yeah, fly! They can ride on a staff and fly through… Judging from your faces, that seems impossible.”

I trailed off after seeing the sullen faces looking back at me.

“… Fly. Okay. Fly. If we can fly, you’ll acknowledge us as true mages, right!?”

However, the bunny girl lady said that with determination.

The lady’s expression is firm, and I can tell there’s a strong will behind it

Just as I started feeling a little remorseful for hurting their pride like this.

“Sleep!”

As I heard that voice, I….

… Huh …

 

ーWhen I woke up, I was wrapped inside a thick futon and tied to a broomstick.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but a clearly nervous and fidgeting Megumin was standing in front of me, her staff at the ready.

“Ka-Kazuma… Everyone’s agreed that theoretically, it should be just within safe limits. I think it checks out, too. There’ll be people waiting for you at the landing point, ready to catch you with wind magic, so…!”

As the other mages nervously watched on, Megumin gulped and started the chant for her Explosion…

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry! You are all exceptional mages! Actually, why are you making me fly!?”

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Short stories directory

Untitled Aqua Short Story

TL: Cannongerbil

Editor: Striker

[Originally linked by Natsume from his blog on May 2nd, 2014, this story (and several more!) was never officially published. It might be that he dropped them, or that they didn’t make the cut (or maybe he just wanted to have fun?). In any case, this takes place around volume 4, so the status quo and character relationships are a little different from the later volumes.

Thanks to Striker for digging these up.]

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“Vampire? You’re talking about a vampire? That high ranking undead monster?”

“Yeah, I heard he was living in a dungeon until a party of skilled adventurers decided to pay him a visit. Apparently, he decided to turn tail and flee to Axel. He must have used quite a bit of his power fighting with those adventurers, so it wouldn’t be surprising if he tried to regain his strength by sucking blood here. You have a skilled priest in your party, right? If someone manages to find that Vampire, they might give your party a call.”

And that’s what the adventurer told me.

It’s dusk right now.

We didn’t have anything to do today, so everyone is off all over town enjoying their day offー

“Ah, I see. Thanks for the info. The sun is about to set soon, so I’ll be careful out on the streets.”

“Well, there’s no need to worry too much about it. Vampires suck blood in order to absorb the target’s mana. There aren’t that many people with high mana in this town to begin with. At the very least, I doubt he’ll go after people like you or me.”

After saying that, the adventurer bid me goodbye and went back to join the rest of his companions at his table.

I came to this tavern to have dinner, and everyone is talking about this incident.

“Hey, two garlic-mashed frog meat sets over here, please~!”

“Stir-fry vegetables with lots of garlic, please!”

Most of the food being ordered tonight are ones with garlic in it.

It’s probably to ward off attacks from the Vampire.

Still, they’ll only target people with high mana, huh?

To put it another way, my party is one of the most likely targets for the Vampire.

Aqua and Megumin both have high mana, after all.

Aqua can handle herself against any undead creature, so she’ll probably be fine.

But Megumin… I think it would be best if I tracked her down and told her to be on her guard.

ーJust as that thought entered my mind, the door to the tavern opened.

Along with it came a boisterous voice that could be heard clearly over the hustle and bustle in the tavern.

“Zombies are nothing compared to me! You are really lucky that I happened to pass by just then! If you want to thank me, just buying me dinner tonight will be enough!”

“Y-Yes! T-Thank you very much…”

The person who entered the tavern was Aqua, accompanied by an unfamiliar woman with a pale complexion.

She had a parasol in one hand and covered her body with a black cloak, and she wore quite a bit of make-up on her face.

The best phrase to describe her would be “femme fatale.”

Aqua noticed me and walked over with the unfamiliar woman in tow.

“Kazuma, are you here for dinner too? Great timing, let’s eat together. Oh, let me introduce you. This is Carmilla-san. I found her outside town mobbed by a group of zombies and saved her from being dragged away.”

“P-P-P-P-Pleased to meet you! My name is Carmilla! I-I-I can’t thank Aqua-san enough for helping me…!”

Carmilla stammered repeatedly, and what little color was left on her face faded away.

 

ーActually…

“… Hey, Aqua, apparently, a vampire might have escaped to this town, so it’s best not to wander around too much at night.”

At my words, Carmilla trembled in shock.

“I-I-I-Is that so!? H-H-How scary! A-A vampire, huh?”

And spat those words out in a painfully false monotone.

“It’s fine. It’s just a vampire. You saw how I turned that entire horde of zombies to dust with a single Turn Undead, right? If a vampire shows up in front of me, I’ll just turn him into my experience points!”

“Eep!”

In response to Aqua’s confident declaration, Carmilla let out a small squeal of fright.

 

ーNo matter how you look at it.

“Still, you must really be unlucky to be attacked by so many zombies while the sun is still up. Could a vampire’s presence really cause such a drastic change in their behaviour? Oh, right, garlic dishes are really popular in town right now. All the adventurers are eating them. A young girl like you is the perfect target for a vampire, so you should have some too, just in case.”

“Eh!? N-No, it’s fine! I’m concerned about my breath, so…”

“Now is not the time to be worrying about bad breath. Kazuma is right, you should have some garlic to ward off vampires! Or what, is there some other reason why you can’t eat garlic…?”

“No, of course not! I’ll have some! I’ll gladly have some garlic!”

As Aqua started staring her down, Carmilla hastily agreed.

Judging from her reaction and when she showed up, she’s definitely the Vampire that everyone’s talking about.

 

ーCarmilla, tearfully, and with an expression that seemed like she was struggling not to puke, brought a spoonful of the garlic-sprinkled dish we ordered to her mouth.

The adventurers around me were giving her curious glances.

It seems like I’m not the only one who thinks that Carmilla looks like a vampire.

The only reason no one said it out loud is because no one particularly liked the idea of fighting a powerful undead inside a tavern.

And of course, there’s Aqua, who, completely oblivious to any of this, and heaped a large spoonful of mashed garlic from her salad onto Carmilla’s plate.

“!!!!???!!?!??”

Carmilla shot up in panic at the sudden increase in garlic.

“You seem to like garlic to the point of tears, so I’ll give you some of mine. Don’t hold back, just dig in.”

Aqua gave her a wide smile.

“T-Thanff youff… vefy muff…!”

As Carmilla sobbed, Aqua leaned in close and whispered to her lowly.

“I’ll give you something to ward away the undead. You seem to be really attractive to zombies, so this should be useful to you. Here, hold out your hand.”

“Hmm? What is thaaaaaーー!

The moment Aqua dropped something into Carmilla’s hand, it began smoking, causing Carmilla to roll around on the floor in pain.

“That’s the holy charm of the Axis Cult that I poured a lot of my holy mana into. It’ll be very effective against the undead, so keep it on you… Hey, what’s wrong? Why is smoking coming out of your hand?”

“Aaaaarrggh, t-this is, I-I-I’m allergic to this kind of metal! Thank you very much! I’ll treasure it!”

Carmilla carefully picked up the holy charm pressed into her hand with a pair of chopsticks, warily wrapped it in a handkerchief, and stuffed it in her pocket.

Aqua took Carmilla’s smoking hand and gently placed her other palm over it.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were allergic to metal. Don’t worry, I’m an Archpriest! I’ll heal you right now! Heal!”

“Aaaaaaaa… Tttttthank you, veeeeeeery muuuuuch!”

Carmilla quickly pulled her hand out of Aqua’s grasp the moment she started casting a spell.

“Hmm? It felt like your hand just disappeared when I casted my healing spell on it…”

“T-That’s just your imagination! Thank you very much, I feel much better now! I’ve already paid for your meal, so I don’t want to overstay my welcome…”

Carmilla quickly spat out those words before standing up and making for the door.

“Yeah, I’m getting bored of teasing you like this. I suppose it’s time to properly purify you.”

ーWait.

“Y-You knew who Carmilla was all along!? So all that stuff was you putting on an act?”

“Of course! Just who do you think I am? I could tell she was an undead the moment I laid eyes on her.”

This woman is atrocious!

“P-P-Please spare me! I-I haven’t hurt anyone yet, so please let me go!”

“No way! Undead are my enemies! So make peace with… Ah, wait, Kazuma? What are you doing!? Don’t get in my way!”

I grabbed Aqua from behind and shouted at the teary eyed and trembling Carmilla.

“Run! I’ll let you off on account of you not having hurt anyone yet, so hurry up and run!”

“T-Thank you very much! I owe you for this!”

“Aaaah! Traitor! Kazuma you traitor!”

Carmilla hastily left the tavern, and Aqua managed to slip from my grip after a short period of thrashing around and went after her.

“Hold it right there! You’ll become my experience points!”

“P-Please let me go!”

With Aqua hot on her heels, Carmilla vanished into the night.

This is a world where even vampires have a hard time surviving.

 

If there really is a goddess, please give your blessings upon this harsh worldー

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Short stories directory